kiábrándulás
by laiyja
Summary: sometimes, a thought is not the same when it's thought by different people and a decision is just supposed to be
1. egy

'deliver me ...'  
  
now i know, that´s all i´m able to remember ... all that´s left, in my heart and my mind ... after all those years, now i´m able to ... forgive?  
  
this night, when every thing seemed to turn upside down and my world maybe changed. a memory, written with blood ...  
  
act one: decision?  
  
silence ... that´s all what´s left, after this voice of him. silence and a strange kind of solitude. now, it is my turn, my part for a move to do, but i don´t know in which direction i´d turn. there is something i don´t want to lose, something i´d never find again.  
  
our eyes meet and we both try to read in each other´s. i knew, i´d to fail, whatever hard i´d try it. moreover, i´d be alone once more. i don´t want to, but i would. his eyes have a strange touch of emotion; somehow, i almost supposed their color changed a little into a darker shade. why do i think, he looks lost, forlorn, broken and alone? in addition, why seemed this impression touch a part in my heart ... deeper than anything did i´d known before with raoul?  
  
i´d follow my heart, that´d be the best of all options. but how to handle something that´s shattered and confused? i don´t know what to do ... i don´t want to leave all of this here, but ... there´s something that always ends. and yet, i´ve to leave someone ... not only literally, but in reality. i´m afraid ... so very afraid that i´d do wrong, that i´d move to the wrong path ...  
  
his eyes, so empty, almost without any hope, so alone ... i move myself some steps closer, trying to find something alive in him, something that´s not so very cold ... not almost as deathly as his touch sometimes seems to be. but in his song, he´s more than alive, he lives in his words and notes and scales, each one of them he let come alive. he lives in them, as much as we do in the light of day. and yet ...  
  
my gaze turns to raoul. another different kind of life, safe, somehow bourgeoisie, obligated to his society. maybe i´m also alone there, a home, children i´d maybe not be allowed to raise on my own ... and ... no more song, that would be certain, for sure. i know, i´d die without, my soul would die like a flower without any water. is money really everything we want to have for ourselves, could we save a dying soul with it? would love - our love - be strong enough for this? would we share the kind of life we´re maybe dreaming of - but is this the very same dream, or will we be in two different worlds of our own?  
  
what is love for, it it´s not for something that could touch the farthest clouds in a dream, to put two different worlds together to one?  
  
he´s alive ... in the light of the day, but would he care of the things that maybe hurt me one day, things of which he maybe had never give a second thought to. we´re no children any more and yet, i´m the one who don´t want to grow up at last ...  
  
my gaze shifts back to erík, and yet when i once more look in his eyes, i´m looking into my very own one. would i need one of them, aside of this all ... would i need someone who takes care of me, who feeds me and gives me the things i´d maybe need? on the other hand, would i be able to live an independent life on my own, not attached to anyone by the means of society? even if it´s not permitted by society at all? would i be brave enough for this?  
  
his gaze touches my eyes, his breath almost seems to linger somewhere between my hair and my cheek. and yet, he´s too far away to let me reach him with my hand, he´s too far away in his own darkness to see ... as much as i´m too far away to see. he backs more away in this darkness of his own, the look of fear in his golden eyes, maybe thinking how to handle the negative of my answer.  
  
i bend down and fetch the fragile fabric of the veil which he´d put in my hair some time ago, letting it run through my finger, still not sure what to do. my heart maybe knows the answer of this, but ... will it be truthful?  
  
with some steps, i try to close the distance between us, but once more, he turns away. what is he doing ... what does he want, really, in his own heart? 


	2. kettö

act two: doubts ...  
  
my voice dies away, leaving behind nothing else than maybe blissful silence. i look down at the floor for a moment, disgusted about myself. in the name of each god between heaven and earth, what am i doing here, what had i become in the end?  
  
i notice her gaze, she don´t know what to do, somehow helpless like a little child. i shifted my own gaze to meet her eyes, to meet her unasked questions. each one of them hurts more than a dagger or a bullet that´d be right in my heart. i cannot stand it any longer; i cannot endure it one more second. she tries to read in my eyes, tries to search my soul for her answers. i´m afraid, she´d be able to do it, to open my soul completely and find more answers than she´d maybe asked for. i take some steps back, trying to hide myself in darkness, but she only follows, still wanting to study me, all those things running through her mind.  
  
i close my eyes, trying to hide myself somewhere between my own darkness; hoping more than everything else, that she´d fail. she simply has to, she must.  
  
oh gods, why? where was my sense of reason? and in one thoughtless moment i did everything wrong, that would be done like that. i destroyed something that was as frail as a thin figurina made of ice. what a fool am i ... and yet, what will this all turn out?  
  
her gaze is still locked in mine, her eyes having the color of a deep dark sea during a storm. how could i demand something like that, when i know the answer for sure? there´d only be one. the question is, how´d i deal with her rejection. i deserve it more than anything else does ...  
  
some more steps, which allow me to hide in darkness. her eyes leave mine and turn over to the vicomte. she tries the same with him, tries to find out how her life could look like. once more, i leave her and turn my thoughts into myself.  
  
it is all so very wrong, so false, and so full of lies. whatever she´d say, she´ll only do it for saving his precious life ... but does she love one of us, maybe in the same way as we ... well he ... does? i´m not allowed doing such things, i remember my teachers, very well. we´re not like them, we are different from them and above all concepts, we don´t have their weakness ... darn life ... to live it in hell, trying to deal with something you´d never experienced ... strange tangled thing, this emotion ... truth be told, i´m more than afraid of this concept, how to handle this.  
  
she wanted something to hold onto, something that´d make her believe in herself. little child, so enthralled of all those fairytale-stories ... how she clinged to this one of the angél dai lèar, how precious was it to her ... and in the end, the angél betrayed her trust, simply because he´s no angel ... he´d ne´er be one, he couldn´t, just look at the hideousness of his reflection ...  
  
my fists clenched and i feel my knuckles go white. so much of this darned violence, always this sea of blood, somewhere trailing behind wherever i may go, haunted by my passed deeds. i lost the trace of time long ago, as much as i lost everything else. i can only destroy, but i´d never be able to love, would i? i´m nothing else than ... evil, am i not? lost somewhere in my own darkness, somewhere on the other side of the edge.  
  
yet, isn´t she standing there, face to face with me? although there seems to be nothing left of ... no, she never trusted me, she never thought about the idea of love ... the only emotion she knows in my presence is nothing else than naked fear ... oh gods, what have i done?  
  
i feel my knees going weak, somehow it´s becoming hard to keep my dignity. i want to die, to leave this place and this world. i cannot stand it any longer.  
  
her gaze return to me rests somehow on me, but she looks into herself, hoping to find her answers at last. one of her thoughts seems to be open to the one who is able to read them. after a moment of hesitation, i open my heart a bit and read it. ... so she thinks over the idea of an independent life? hmm ... good girl, but i´m afraid, she´d not survive for such a long time. she´s a woman, after all ... and society is always cruel.  
  
suddenly she bends down, picking up the veil and letting it run through her hand. what does she want to do with it? tearing it apart in thousands of tiny shreds? throwing into the fireplace?  
  
she comes closer to me, the veil still clutched between her fingers. i feel myself shiver, here it will come, the last word, the last move. again, i back away some more steps, turning my face to somewhere else. i don´t want to look in her eyes when she´s going to tear my heart apart. so i was wrong ... in every little thing i once believed ...  
  
we´re not allowed to be like them ... so we´re just as cold as a stone ...  
  
please, if there´s something like justice, let me die ... in this very moment ... for what do we live, for moving to the other side of the edge? for doing the things which are forbidden to us?  
  
please, just let me ... die ... 


	3. harom

act three: darkness  
  
i move forward, trying to close the distance between us, but he plainly refuses to let this happen. if i follow my heart, will i survive? i´m afraid of the answer ...  
  
totally ignoring his action and obvious demand, i moved on. i don´t want to corner him, don´t want to put him literally against the wall, but he doesn´t stop with this. as much as i want to close the distance between us, the same he let it remain open. why is he doing this, why can´t he just understand that ...? he´s afraid of his own decision, however it was he who wanted one from me.  
  
i stop some moments before i really corner him next to the hearth, the veil still in my hand, and watch him. he appears somehow desperate, in some kind of turmoil i cannot understand. i draw in a sharp breath; at last, i made my decision. and i would hold on to it firmly; might happen what there ever could be. in his eyes appears a bewildered look, something that seems to have a deeper layer within him. i do one last step and reach out to him, the veil in my hand. he does one last step too, almost touching the wall with his back and stares at my outstretched hand. his eyes wander to the veil, staring at the fabric. he still don´t want to see ... he refuses to accept ... suddenly his expression changes and becomes darker. there is something in him that wants to leash out to the surface, something that´s more than just threatening.  
  
why doesn´t he accept? once more, i look into myself to find an answer just a little bit too easy. it´s plainly obvious, even to a blind one. didn´t i betray him on and on, hurting him time and again? so how could i expect him to trust me this one time? he thinks, i´m lying again, putting up some kind of bribe, a bargain only for saving raoul ... dear gods, is he this blind, this accustomed to his very darkness that he cannot see? i want him to believe me, want to show ...  
  
a sudden move let me break out of my rêverie, in the very moment i realized that there is something missing between my fingers. i shift my gaze in his direction. therefore, he ripped it out of my hand. he only stands there, the veil in his hand. i´m fixed to the spot, unable to move, staring at him in utter disbelieve. he reaches out as if to throw the veil into the fire.  
  
'so, this is your decision?', he asks, bitterness in his voice. 'i´ll be only too kind to finish the task for you.' unable to move or to speak i´m only standing there, watching the scene with wide eyes. how could he, how ... why? he wouldn´t dare ... would he? because you betray him once more with your petty little decision., a little voice in my head says, you act like a child, playing and toying around with things you thing you would be able to handle. however, you are no child ... any more ... he still stands there, his hand raised. for a moment, i think, the veil´d float through the air, but he catches it. 'you want me to put this into the fire and let it burn down to ashes?', he says, stopping his movement midair. vehemently i shake my head, trying to tell him no. 'i see ...', he continues with a sad hint in his voice, 'i shall tear it to pieces and throw them in the fire. you want it more dramatically, don´t you?' his voice drips over with sarcasm, as much as he becomes more and more coldly ... colder and again more threatening. once more, i shake my head still fighting to get my voice back. 'he would be glad to see our relationship closed, however he also wanted to die for you ... gladly i suppose, if it means to set you free ... from me and my ... existence.', he speaks on, the same emotion in his voice. 'am i that horrible, christiné daaè, am i such a creature full of ... hideousness ...?' all i can do is to shake my head again. 'I understand, you don´t want to talk to me.', he says sadly and opens his hand. the veil floats and drifts through the air. from far away, i can hear my voice splitting into a scream. 'noooo ...!' 


	4. negy

act four: despair  
  
she moves forward, the veil clutched between her fingers, forcing me to take some more steps back. what the hell is she up to do, to corner me and making me unable to move any longer? ripping away the last remains of my dignity? and all in front of this ... wretched ... little boy? what is she thinking, what does she expect me to do?  
  
suddenly she stops after doing one last step, lifting her gaze in my direction again, and reaching out the veil. i´m also doing one more step and begin to feel the wall behind me. wonderful, if she wanted to corner me, she achieved her goal! i start to feel uncomfortable and somehow i wish once more i´d be at another place. this is not what i´d intended to happen, this was totally out of my planned concept. she´s just standing there and watching me, maybe thinking to her self what i´m up to do. honestly, i plainly don´t have any idea about what to do. i suppose, her decision, however it´d be in the end, is final. time to learn things to accept that are not allowed for someone like me, let the dream shatter and the illusion fade away ...  
  
living, dying, isn´t it all the same in the end? she still offers me the veil, still looking into my eyes and trying to find the answer she wants so desperately to be there. nevertheless, for what should i take the veil? to accept a treacherous bargain? oh, i forgot ... what could ever be there for me to be hold by my hand?  
  
obviously she wants me to trust in her last decision, in something that´s nothing else than an empty game, something without any little piece of essence. can´t she see how much this all might hurt me? no, she won´t see, i suppose. sometimes killing could be very easy ...  
  
with a groan of frustration, i rip the fabric out of her hand. just free her of a burden she would ne´er ever accept. on the other hand, wouldn´t it be much easier if i throw it into the fire?  
  
'so, this is your decision?', i can hear my own voice asking with a tone of bitterness in it. 'i´ll be only too kind to finish this task for you.' she just stands there, unable to move in any direction and looking at me with wide eyes. did i catch a small hint of disappointment in her eyes? this must be a trick, played by the shadows of the flames, i think. why should she ...? for a moment, i think about letting the veil fall into the flames, and the fabric seems to float through the air. with a quick movement, i catch it once more. 'you want me to put this into the fire and let it burn down to ashes?', i go on, stopping my move midair. why does she shake her head? trying to tell me no, don´t burn it? 'i see ...', i continue, 'i shall tear it to pieces and throw them in the fire. you want it more dramatically, don´t you?' i feel my voice growing colder, dripping more and more with sarcasm. what am i doing here, what am i thinking i´d do in the end? kill him, or worse, her? once more, she shakes her head. obviously she tries to tell me something, but somehow i`m not able to grasp the concept. a tide of rage washes through me, somehow i feel a bit more than just disappointed, maybe emptiness too. this here ... i don´t know ... 'he would be glad to see our relationship closed, however he also wanted to die for you ... gladly i suppose, if it means to set you free ... from me ...' somehow, i´d lost control of everything that was going on here. thoughts´re running through my hands, thoughts i´m not able to grasp. there´s so much that should not be, that should never have been. too late now, too late, for every thing. the chessboard has to be moved on. 'am i that horrible, christiné daaè, am i such a creature full of ... hideousness ...?' and once more she shakes her head with wide eyes. i suppose there´s nothing more to say after all. 'i understand, you don´t want to talk to me.', i said with a sad undertone. there was some thing I wanted to add, but I cannot open my mouth. instead, i open my fingers and the veil drifted through the air, it looks as if it wants to land in the hearth. i only stand there and watch its way with dreamy eyes. is this the decision i´d craved for, the answer to every thing and yet nothing at all? from far away i hear a voice splitting in a scream. 'noooo ...!'  
  
she has her voice again, i think coldly. she can speak. but she doesn't want to speak to you. for what do i want an answer, only to hear another lie? it´s true, there are things that hurt beyond all. once more, an old fear grows inside my self, and against all odds, i only want to run ... far away. maybe it´d be better this way ...  
  
somehow, the veil eventually drops down and lands on the stone in front of the hearth. once little piece of it touches a lose shred of wood and sets the fragile fabric on fire. i watch its turn to ashes with fascination.  
  
she, on the other hand, can´t believe what she´s watching. 


End file.
